WEB CHUTNEY

“Khabaristan Times is a satirical online newspaper and it is taking Pakistani news by storm! Their out-of-the-box humour is delightful to read and their wit is comparable to The Onion.

Here are ten of the funniest news stories I have come across from Khabristan Times:

1. ‘My heart sank when my 12-year-old nephew asked what’s Hamza Ali Abbasi’

“I won’t hate you if you are Hamza Ali Abbasi but I will certainly NOT CELEBRATE IT. Stop trying to justify bigotry and intolerance under the banner of Hamza Ali Abbasi. And please, we have bigger issues in the world and in our own country than trying to make normal and natural what is abnormal and un-natural.” Read more here.

2. Isis seeks more oil to legitimise beheadings

“’We have been depicted as inhuman, brutal, savage and whatnot just because we beheaded a couple of Western journalists,’ al-Baghdadi said while talking to Khabaristan Times. “(US President Barack) Obama and (UK Prime Minister David) Cameron refuse to even acknowledge us as Muslims. Not that we care, of course,” he caliph further added that despite the organisation following the same brand of Islam as the Saudis, the blatant disparity in how the two were received globally personally hurt his sentiments.” Read more here.

3. Mullah loses it after seeing ants inside perfectly wrapped lollipop

“His most cherished moment of the day was after Isha, when everyone was asleep, he would unwrap a candy and munch happily fantasizing about houris. But sadly Thursday night was not like all the other nights.Ya Baduba got a strawberry flavored lollipop savoring every moment as he unwrapped it like always but was horrified to see what was crawling inside of it. Ants.” Read more here.

4. Deliberately ignoring refugees to allow spread of Islam in West: Saudi official

“We are ignoring the issue as a strategic maneuver. If these refugees go and settle in the west then they will take the beacon of light i.e. Islam, with them,” an official from the Saudi government said.

“What we are doing is waiting for them to set up camp so that they can show these infidel nations how to save themselves from kufr,” Read more here.

5. Reham was too old to understand my emotions: Imran Khan

“As you all know I am a very emotional person and seldom let rationality interfere in important matters. For an emotional human being like me, a girl like Reham is too old. We could not get along well because she had developed a rational self and her emotional self was pretty much dead. It’s not that I was unaware of the differences between the two of us. No! This is not the case at all. I knew about our differences even before Reham was born.” Read more here.

6. We only steal stuff that doesn’t have copyright warning, clarifies plagiarist designer

We use Pinterest all the time in Pakistan and honestly we’re a high end brand and we charge a lot of money for the amount of trouble we have to through to find the right design,” Shah wrote on her Facebook as an explanation.

“The cost of our internet connection and our computer with all the electricity it eats up makes it impossible for us to hire designers that can create original designs,” Read more here.

7. I want to go back to NCA and get a bachelor’s degree that pays bills: Ali Zafar

The duet with Sara Haider, and the Rockstar solo was a major disappointment,” Ali said. “I am not getting many offers from Bollywood these days. I am disappointed in myself,” he added. Read more here.

8. All Parties Conference called to decide on Iqbal Day holiday

“First they try to tear down monuments around Lahore for a stupid looking train, now they’re trying to take away holidays that celebrate our founding fathers – what is this government doing!” asked an angry eighth grader.

“I was looking forward to the long weekend with my family. What else is Iqbal Day good for?” a developer from a software house asked. Read more here.

9. But nobody asked me to reconsider retirement: Shoaib Malik

Cricket Board (PCB) Chairman Shahryar Khan personally announced that he won’t let Misbah retire, Malik revealed that not a single person asked him to withdraw his announcement. “Jhootay mun bhi nahi,” Malik said while talking to Khabaristan Times. “I mean I know I was never going to play Test anyway, but it would’ve felt nice if someone just courteously asked me to stay. A ‘we’ll miss you’ would’ve been nice as well.” Read more here.

10. Pakistani masses to choose Imran Khan’s next wife in game show ‘Bhabi Nama’

“I am a little sick of everyone having a problem with whoever I marry.” He said. “When I got married the first time, all I heard was, ‘Yahudi hai Yahudi hai, gori hai, hawwwww. Musulmaan nahin! When we got divorced, more ‘haawwwss’ and issues. The aunties could not stop saying “Haye, bachay le gayi! Then came wife number two, same story all over again. It is quite clear that my love life just cannot make everyone or rather anyone happy.” Read more here.

You can follow Khabaristan Times on their Facebook page and get funny articles like these everyday!

You’re welcome.